Washington.- Did you know that there is such a thing as “normal husband-wife hatred”? People who have been or have been in a relationship for a long time probably know that this is so.
“I’ve been traveling to the United States for decades to talk about this topic, and no one came after my conversation to tell me they didn’t understand what I was talking about,” they say. Terence Realauthor of best Sellers and a family therapist who teaches workshops for couples. “Everybody knows what that means”, reinforces.
In any case, the idea that it’s “normal” to hate our partner is a bit shocking to those who idealize their romantic relationships. But it’s enough to talk for a while with Real Forever get rid of the idea that life as a couple is like a romantic comedy.
“No one recognizes the weak points in their relationships,” says Real. Nobody accepts dark corners.”
Relationship experts have been trying to unravel the mystery of how couples resolve their conflicts and learn to move on for years., John Gottman, a marriage researcher at the University of Washington, pioneered a method of studying relationships that involves recording couples’ arguments and then analyzing negative and positive words, facial expressions, and body language. Gottman’s estimates show that the ratio of positive and negative words in strong pairs is 5 to 1.
A retired professor at the University of Virginia, researcher E. Mavis Hetherington followed 1,400 heterosexual couples over three decades and found that Divorce is more likely in one type of marriage, Hetherington defined this dynamic as “the marriage of an oppressor-distracting pattern”, where there is one who pushes to solve problems and the other who usually ignores them.
really think The real problem is that many couples turn arguments into a power struggle. Where no one wins “Under normal circumstances, if you’re mad at me, this is the worst time to tell me how mad I am at you. people do everything backwards“, Sentence.
Now that we know that spouse hatred can be normal, here’s what we need to know.
1) It doesn’t matter if you hate your partner
“There are times when you look down on your partner and a part of you hates them with all your might. You feel trapped or trapped with that terrible person. How did you get there?” says Real. “I tell them: Welcome to the wedding! Welcome to long-term couples!” But there’s no need to despair, says Real, “because the real question is: And what do I do now? How do I deal with this?”
2) Stop idealizing relationships
We nurture a perfect version of a couple’s commitment, Real says when we say that the two people we see at a party “make a beautiful couple” because they seem to have a perfect relationship.
“I would at least once hear someone say at a party: ‘There’s something like, For the first 20 years of their marriage they fought like a cat and a dog. Last year, he had her with another woman. But then they got back together and now they’re doing great. Aren’t they cute?'”
3) Normal marriage or long term partnership is not happy all the time
After four decades of counseling, Real cautions that all relationships follow a very clear continuous cycle: harmony and closeness, breakups, repairs, and coming back to closeness. “This pattern of closeness, interruption, and withdrawal of closeness can be repeated up to 20 times during a dinner conversation. On a macro level, it can even develop over decades,” he details.
4) Your relationship is an ecosystem
Experts recall that traditional medicine, which can teach us to assert ourselves, make things clear, set boundaries, and go back in time, sometimes fosters marriage dysfunction.
Although people don’t like to hear it, Real explains, the healthiest thing to do is to start thinking of the couple as an ecosystem where any interruptions hurt one and the other. “Stop thinking like two individuals and start thinking ecologically,” proposes Real. Your relationship is your biosphere. You are not above, you are in: it is what you breathe”.
Once we understand that it is in our own best interest to help our partner feel better, it is much easier to let go of the conflict and relax. “Creative talk” is best saved for another time, when you’re both open to listening and not locked in a fight.
“We must momentarily depart from objective reality and enter our partner’s subjective dimension with compassion and curiosity. It’s best to say, ‘I’m sorry you feel that way. Can I make you feel better?’ What can I say or do to help me?'” he recommends.
Sometimes it’s hard to swallow, real admit, especially when we think our partner is wrong. But the best way to protect the ecosystem of the relationship is to help our partner feel better emotionally.
Real clarifies that this advice is useful when it comes to general discussions and tensions that may arise in any relationship, and certainly does not apply to abusive situations or relationships in which there is an imbalance of power, a Significant psychological disorder, an addiction, or any other problem that forces us to put our personal safety first and seek professional help.
5) Learn to repair
Successful couples, Real says, learn to talk to each other during and after conflict. Instead of saying, “Don’t talk to me that way,” Real suggests something along the lines of, “I’m interested in what you’re going to say, can you talk to me in a different way so I can understand? you better?”
“Both sides have a right to be heard, but you have to do it tactfully. People have to learn to speak their mind and love at the same time. That’s what no one knows how to do,” he explains.
6) Discover True Intimacy
We all dream of a perfect relationship, but true intimacy comes only when we learn to accept each other’s flaws. “To be in a relationship is nothing more: to be clear about your partner’s shortcomings, which also gives you disappointment and pain, but to continue to love nonetheless. That is mature love”, he concluded.
by Tara Parker-Pope
(Translation by Jaime Arrambide)