People usually have good intentions when they try to console someone who is grieving. But it’s hard to get the words right exactly, and sometimes the wrong language can even hurt an already aching heart.
This may be especially true at this time during this tide of complicated grief and loss brought on by the coronavirus pandemic, with more than 1 million deaths now tied to the virus.
Experts estimate that for every person who died of COVID, nine loved ones were left behind to grieve. Over the past two years, friends and family may have missed opportunities to pay their respects or join in, as many individual funerals and memorials have been postponed or cancelled.
Some people are now trying to go back and hold those ceremonies, and sometimes they find that others are not receptive, said grief expert and author David Kessler. “The response he’s getting from friends and family is, ‘Still? Really? Isn’t it over?'” she said. “A memorial is a bookmark for a life, and it deserves to be, even if it is delayed.”
“You shouldn’t grieve in isolation,” said Melissa Selevag, a social worker and expert who helps survivors of grief and trauma at the Wendt Center for Loss and Healing in Washington, D.C., who has collected and developed relevant resources .
READ MORE: Why Louisiana Counseling Centers Are Seeing an Increase in Children with Grief
Potential mistakes in how we express our empathy to others often stem from our trouble seeing another person in pain, he said. But it’s never too late to tell someone that you care. For those who want ideas about what’s really helpful, Selvag offers tips on how to focus compassion when responding to sadness and loss.
Read more: Why is the death of one million people from COVID so difficult for our brains to understand?
1. Avoid saying “it’ll be fine” or “you’ll be fine”.
Losers do not want to hear that their loved ones are in a better place. Instead, just reassure them that you are with them.
2. Reaffirm their grief if they share how they are struggling.
You might say, “It makes sense” or “It’s okay to feel the emotions you’re dealing with.”
3. Don’t ask an unhappy person, “What can I do?”
He has enough on his mind. Instead, offer specifics: “Can I skip the coffee?” or “Can I sit with you?”
4. Avoid creating the other person’s pain about yourself.
Instead of saying, “I’ve lost someone too, so I know how you feel,” say, “I see this is painful for you.”
5. If someone has died of COVID-19, avoid asking about other health problems.
Finding out whether they already had a disease or were otherwise uniquely vulnerable to the disease doesn’t help a person grieve their loved one.
6. Ground yourself.
Grief is hard to see, so turn away when you need it. When you have a chance to regain your strength, reach out to a family member or grieving friend.
For people suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts, or if someone you know is struggling, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or find them online. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org,
